My Rescuer

Orange Buoy on Grass

These chains

They’re bound so tight around me

I can’t get loose

I can’t free myself

But I let them bind me

I stood in my sin

I let myself fall into temptation

not realizing how much it was taking from me

now I’m helpless

stuck in my own choices

slowly choking the life from my body

the blood from my veins

the beating from my heart

They pull me to the bottom of my ocean of sin

sinking
sinking
sinking

I hit the bottom with a crash

No way to reach forgiveness

I feel the last bit of oxygen

the last grip on good, on love, on joy

slip away

gone

But just as I feel myself slipping away

becoming just another skeleton in the sea of fleshly desires

I can hear the still small voice

the call far up above miles of dark water that cover me

he calls me his child

he’s calling me back to his arms

and for a fraction of a second

time is frozen

and I have a choice

prison or freedom

surrender to death or fight for life

let go or take hold

Do I let go of everything I’ve worked to get?

Or do I take hold of the hand reaching down in the water

the calloused, nail-pierced hand

the hand that sacrificed so much for my life

As time begins to move by again, I’ve made my choice

as my arms grip the caring hand of my father,

I feel the chains fall to the ocean floor

Suddenly I’m free

No longer bound by my mistakes and choices

but freed by the saving forgiveness of the hand I know hold to tightly

As I begin the journey of swimming out of the mess I’m in

I canĀ  still hear the call of pressure, hatred, and anxiety calling for me to join them at the bottom

The journey to the surface isn’t easy

but I see his hand

I hear his call

and I keep swimming to reach the top

Finally, I break the surface

I’m in God’s presence

I feel his smile upon me

He calls me chosen

He calls me his masterpiece

He tells me I’m loved

That I’m his child

He tells me not to be swayed by the world

To not let them bind me up

and pull me into sin

But to hold tight to him

So that he can protect me

He tells me that no matter what

He’ll always be there for me

and that whenever I need to, I can talk to him

Because he’s my Rescuer

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The Unheard Cry

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They never heard my cry

because they never gave me a chance to make noise

they never saw my first smile

because they never cared enough to even hold me in their arms

they never knew i was a fighter

because they didn’t even give me a chance to prove it

i never got to meet my parents

they didn’t even give me a chance to get adopted

the last thing i remember is pain

i don’t even remember knowing what love felt like

listening late at night, i heard them talking about rights

how they had a right to make their own choice

but what about me

shouldn’t i have had a right?

a right to live?

i never got to make anyone smile like i hoped i would have

and nobody ever even cried for my loss

i never got to see outside this dwelling

even though i had waited patiently inside for so long

why can’t they just stop sometimes

and stop arguing about rights and reasons

and listen

and watch

and think

listen to the unheard cry of thousands like me

watch the unseen smile of thousands like me

think about the thousands of other unknown fighters like me

i don’t get why they didn’t even give me a chance to show myself

no matter how many times i tried to say that i wouldn’t let them down

they wouldn’t hear

they didn’t care about my life

there were times i felt the imprint of their hand and put mine next to it

i felt warmth and happiness for a moment

i even tried to tell myself that they cared

that they wouldn’t give my life up like that

but then the happiness and warmth was gone

so i guess i was wrong

while thousands of people are arguing rights for abortion

where are the people arguing for my rights?

please

don’t let us fade away

my life is as valuable as yours

don’t ever stop hearing my unheard cry

don’t ever stop picturing my unseen smile

don’t ever stop thinking about the fighter that was inside me

don’t let us fade away

 

Time to Make a Difference

Hey everyone!

I want to ask you guys to do something with me for the month of November. First, it would be really cool if you could visit this website: Letters With a Purpose
Now the point of that blog (made by Eleanor) is to spread God’s love and encouragement to others. By writing just ONE letter, you can touch and change a life for God! So this November, will you join me in writing one letter for each day in November to share God’s love. All you have to do is write a letter and then drop it in a car with the window down, or put it on a shelf in Walmart, or even slip it into a library book! Anywhere you want to put it, you can! To figure out more how to do it, check out the page Want To Help?

If you’re still not quite convinced about the idea, I think you should read this post written by Eleanor before she even created the website. Calling All the World Changers. This post is sad, but definitely motivating, and even if you already want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives through letters this month, you should still read the post!

If you can’t or don’t think this is right for you to write letters, find another way to make a difference for God. We have the choice every single day to smile at a stranger, to love someone, to give your friend a hug, to tell your mom you’re thankful for all that she’s done for you or whatever may fit your situation. We have that choice. God gives us choices like that every day.

But I think that if you feel motivated to make a difference in your town or city for God, and want to do something RIGHT now (or tomorrow) all you have to do is write one letter for each day of November (starting on the first of November) with a link to Letters With a Purpose. To find out more about the details of it, ask Eleanor at YLFC or LWAP (letters with a purpose)!

Thanks for reading, everyone! Talk to me, tell me what’s going on in your lives! I really miss hearing from y’all! Love you guys and girls!

~K.A~

 

Save a life

i'mfine.jpg
via

I’m fine
every day I answer with the same two words
every time they ask how my life is
and when I answer with my pasted smile
they rush around and tell me about their life’s problems
day after day I smile with my friends, and pretend my life is great
but deep inside I’m hiding that horrid painful ache
can anyone hear my silent plea
can anyone even see
Do they see the trace of tears
Do they care to have me here
Do they notice when I’m hurting
But pretend to still be strong
Will they take time to help me
Or leave me here alone

I see the girl in the corner
The one with tears in her eyes
I want so bad to help her
Even though she says she’s fine
but should I take time out of my day
Should I see if she’s okay?
I can see the ache that’s deep inside
I can see the pain that she tries to hide
I hurt for her, but should I try?
maybe she’d rather just be by herself
But I feel like I should try to help

As I sit here all alone
My friends are gone
I should go home
but I have different thoughts in mind
ones not of happiness, but of crying
I used to feel so happy and free
and think that people cared about me
but now I’m sinking in my pain
and feel like I can’t rise again
And as I wonder if I should take
that choice so tempting should it I make?
And leave this suffering behind
and move on from this painful life…

Could I make a difference?
I’ve prayed to help someone
maybe this is where God can use me
maybe I could just lend a helping hand
I see her gazing far away
into a different better seeming place
and I can see she’s seen her options
she wonders if this life
would be better left behind
and as the thought crosses my mind
it makes me want to sob and cry
to think that someone could value their life so little
because even if they think no one cares
even a stranger like me
loves them so
much more
than they think

As I decide
the world would be better
without me in this life
I try to hold back the tears
As I stand back and decide to leave happiness and emotion here
The only escape that I see left
is the bridge down the road
that leans over the highway
of rushing vehicles
just waiting to pull me from this brutal track called life

I see her standing up
is it time to take action?
could I live with knowing
I did nothing to stop her from her sadness and pain
what if she decides to take her own life away
So I stand up and follow her right out the door
wondering if maybe this is all I was meant for
is to save someone’s life that is precious to God
and I hope I can help her before
she’s too far gone

It seems the last option I have
So I walk down the street
and picture my friends still stuck in their laughs
I’m still in a phase
And as I lean over the edge, I wonder if maybe some day
someone could love me
someone could be sad that I was hurting
as I’m ready to make the choice of my life
I wish that I could also show love
if I’ve never been loved…then how can I know how to love
I blink away tears as I look around me
Escape almost seems happy, but it feels like I’m drowning
in confusion
in pain
in emotion
This is it
goodbye world
But just as I’m ready to take the leap
I feel a hand grab my arm

“Please don’t leave
this world needs your beauty
it needs to know what you already do
others are hurting
don’t leave them alone here
while you take the easy way out”
I pull her into a hug even though we’ve never met
and I feel my own tears coming down
her shoulders starts shaking and she looks into my face
and in her eyes I see unbearable pain

I say “if that’s true
then why am i hurting
more than I knew I could hurt
I feel like I’m dying
from solitude and sadness
when others constantly leave me here alone
No one understands
No one cares
so why did you try to stop me?”
A tear rolls down my face
and I don’t try to stop it
but simply accept her next embrace

“Because I see something
deep in your heart
someone worth saving
someone worth more
than what anyone tells you
even myself
because God made you special
he made you important
I see your potential, what God created in you
And if you try, you can see it too
I promise that if you don’t give up yet,
you can find more in life
You can help more hurting
So please don’t let go
don’t give up now
I see something strong left inside you”

Now I can’t stop the tears
someone sees something inside me
something worth keeping around
Before this moment, I’ve never felt worth
and I’ve never before wanted this Jesus she’s found
but now that she says it
I’ve felt his calling
and wondered if it was for me
and now I’m wondering,
if I could save someone else
like this girl just saved me.

________________________________________________________

National Suicide Prevention Day

September 10th, 2018

Will you choose to save a life?

Where the Healing Starts – A Short Story

It was one of the hardest times of my life… watching the happiness drain out of her smile as the time dragged by. It was like all she loved in life seemed pulled away, and she couldn’t even find enough strength to put a real smile on her face, or a real laugh on her features. Every moment I was around her, I tried to urge a smile out of her, but it was more fake emotions. The only real emotion she had was sadness, but she was too caring about others to show her sadness… yet I could tell. When I’d see her nodding silently as someone droned on about their life, I could tell her mind had wandered…and when I saw her retreat outside to be alone for a while, I tried to convince myself to go out, to make sure she was okay…even though I knew she wasn’t… yet I didn’t have the courage.

Now, as I sit here in bed, I wonder if I should be doing something. I feel that I’m important. That I could make a difference in her life.. that if I let God use me as I feel He wants to, that I may be able to help her find life again… to find her source of energy, to find her smile. I think about how much this world could be encouraged by a smile like hers. It makes my heart ache thinking about it. Sometimes I feel as though she can never be happy again…but then I think about how I’ve never even tried to help. I’ve never reached out.

I walk down the stairs, my hand running along the smooth wooden railing as I make my way to the porch. Slipping on my old blue converse, I trot down the stairs. After my short trip to the library to return a movie, I find myself driving slowly down the road, nearing her street on my way home. I stop at the sign next to her street, but I don’t keep moving. Something inside me is telling me I need to talk to her. To be the friend I’m supposed to. To check on her. We haven’t been close for a while, but I wonder if I have even let her know that I care? That I love her? She’s seemed so depressed… to think that she may not believe anyone loves her- that thought hurts me me… If something was to happen, and we wouldn’t see each other again, I would have too many regrets to live with.

I feel my left hand pushing upward on the turn signal, and turn onto her street, the familiar house coming into view. I think about how we used to laugh and play so much back when we were close. Back when I saw her more often… before she lost her light. I wonder for a moment if this was a bad idea, but I know I can’t back out now. As I pull up I see her younger brother in the yard talking to his friend. I smile as I pull over to the side of the road and turn the key off. It’s been so long since I saw her brother, I didn’t realize how tall he was now. He used to consider me a big sister, and I thought him as a little brother…

I hop out of the car, then walk slowly towards the house trying to figure out what I will even say. If she’s even home. As I walk up, her brother pauses mid-conversation, a smile sliding over his face.
“Hey, Abbie. Been a while… are you here to talk to Jess?” he looks at me, as if he wants to be more friendly, but still seems slightly awkward.
I pause, a slight grin on my face as I nod. “Yeah, is she here?”
“yeah…in the house” he motions toward the house behind him and then hesitates, but eventually starts his conversation with his friend again.

I walk up to the porch, playing with my hair as I realize I don’t know what to say… Knocking on the door, I wonder if she even wants to see me. As she opens the door, I try to slide a smile on my face, even though seeing her struggling like this is hard.

“Hey Jess.” I say. “Can I come in?”

She nods, a slight smile coming over her face. “Sure.”

I walk in and go to sit on the couch, then pause as I wait for her to come in. I feel tears gather in my eyes as we stare at each other blankly for a while… we’re both so different now. I feel a lump rise in my throat as I go to speak, but some how I manage to get a few words out. “I miss you lately, Jess…” I walk toward her and wrap her in a hug, whispering that I hope she knows I care about her and I want to see her more often. As we release, I see tears running out of her eyes.

And maybe I’m imagining it, but I believe I watched as a bit more light entered her still sad features.
“I miss you too, Abbie.”
And as we hug again I realize that this is where the healing starts, and that I never want to let my dear friend go again. Because I couldn’t bear to live without her. I look upward and whisper a quick word of thanks to God for giving me the strength to talk to her.

Best Friends :) sometimes her hugs are the only thing that can make me feel better.

Just a note: this was a fiction story
Although I do very very much love all of my friends, and would want to be quick to encourage and love them if I saw them struggling.

Look To You…

Person Taking Photo in Sunset

Hey God,
I’m here again
falling on my knees
you know how hard it’s been
you know how it’s been hurting me
I realize that the world’s not perfect
and neither am I
but Christianity is still worth it
and you’re still by my side

Cause I’ll keep fighting
instead of crying
and I’ll get up
when I fall down
because with your strength
I can never loose
so God when the world fails me

Help me Look To You

You’ve watched me cry
collapsed in tears
you’ve seen them gather in my eyes
God, I know you’re still here
sometimes I feel like giving up
but then I realize
with your strength I’ll be enough
I don’t need the world’s lies

Cause you give me strength
when I am weak
you give me bold
when I am meek
and day after day
you make a way
for me
So every minute
I can believe
this race I’ll finish
week by week
when you help me through

So God Help me Look to You

This road is weary
Your road is paved
sometimes it hurts me
but in you I’m saved
When I stray
I feel the pain
but you always lead me
home again
into your loving arms

God I need you
to help me be strong
cause right now I’m not

God you are the one who gives me new life every day
God you are the one that shows me your narrow perfect way
and I know if I seek you one day I’ll meet you face to face
but God right now… I need your strength

Help me believe
when there’s nothing left to see
Help me be strong
when I feel nothing but weak
and help me walk straight
even if I don’t see the path
Help me know the way
when I can’t do the math
And God
when I’m hurting
when I’m confused
and God when I’m tired….

Lord, Help Me Look To You.

Please

attractive, beautiful, beautyPlease.

Please tell me what’s going on
I know something happened
I’m not blind to how you’ve been
I see when you’re trying to hold it together
when you sit by yourself with your earbuds in
when you’re trying to isolate yourself from others so you can “think”
I worry about you nonstop
and you don’t even see
you don’t think anyone cares…
but I do
when no one even notices you rush away quietly
I do
when no one seems to care that you haven’t said a word all night
I do
when no one realizes that you haven’t smiled for weeks
I do

Please.

Please just admit it
that you’re lost in a world
full of pain and hurt
look, I’m trying to clear away all the fog
between your worlds of joy and sadness
but it’s hard to help
when you won’t even let me see your face
I miss seeing your smile
hearing your laugh
Now all I can see is that blank expression that masks the pain you feel
The pasted on smile
the lies you answer with when someone asks how you’ve been
The shattered pieces of your heart
the broken shards of who you once were
I try to catch them
to piece them back together again
but you refuse
Your eyes are stained with sadness and hurt
I can tell you’re always thinking about it
you don’t think I know
but I do

Please.

Please just show me
how much you’re still hiding
I know you need to get it out
but you won’t open up
and every time I try to help
you turn away
I beg for you to listen
to be yourself again
but you just aren’t the same
and I fear you never will be if you won’t tell someone
You’ve taught yourself to deal with it
how to just play along with happiness and good times
but sometimes I see when it becomes too much and you have to leave
I want to go after you, to tell you it’s alright
That you don’t have to try and hide how hard it is
not with me
because I’m the one you used to always say was like family
but I know you won’t listen to me

Please.

Please just let me help you
stop pulling away
you’re breaking me too
when you won’t tell me anything
I thought we were friends
but why won’t you trust me enough to tell my why you’re being like this
you always used to tell me secrets and laugh with me
you’d tell me you loved me
but now you hardly say a word
do you even know how much I care?
do you even notice how worried I am for you?
you’ve not only changed you, you’ve changed me
I can’t smile when I see your tear stained face
I can’t enjoy the moment when I see the thoughts you’re having
I can’t focus when all I can think about is how much you’re hurting

Please.

Please just listen to me
I want to help you
you’re letting yourself drown
when there’s a hand to save you
please don’t turn away
I’m begging you to receive love
I’ll admit that I love you
that I’d do anything for you
I’d beat myself before I’d watch you suffer so bad
before I’d watch you suffocate in pain like this
just stop hurting yourself worse than you’ve already been hurt
stop hurting me by leaving when I try to talk to you
stop pulling away when I grab your arm
stop turning away when I tell you that you can always talk to me
stop lying to me when I ask you how you’re really doing
you don’t think I can see through the mask
but I can
you don’t think I can see the pain you’ve been hiding from the people around you
but I can
you don’t think anyone can care about you, or know what you’re feeling
but I can

Please.

Please just look me in the eyes
and tell me what’s going on
I’m tired of all you hide
I wish you’d let me help
Stop telling me all the lies
and let me hear the truth
Even if I already know you’ve been hurt
I want to hear you tell me
Even if I already know you’re not okay
I want you to admit it
Even though you may not want comfort, you may not want help
I want to know that you trust me enough to tell me
that you’ll let out the pain you’ve been storing inside

Please.

Please at least let someone stronger help you
I know I can’t always do the best job
I can’t always be there
but you haven’t even talked about God for ages
and I see you flinch when he’s brought up
don’t you know he didn’t do this to you?
can’t you see that he’s trying to help you?
I know I can’t always make everything better
but God can
I know I’m trying to fix wounds that only GOD can heal
so please at least let him help you
He’ll pull you out of the pit that you’re sinking in
He’ll rescue you from the grasp of pain
If you’ll only turn to him, and turn to others
He can help you
more than I ever could
But please turn to him
And please let him use me to help you

Please.

Please realize that
you need it
I need it
Let me hold you tight
so that I can feel your heart beat again
Let me see the tears you’re ashamed to show
so that I can see the smile that I miss
Let me hear about the pain you’ve hid
so that I can hear the laugh that I miss
Let God help you
so that I can listen to your prayers again
God wants to have you back
I want to have you back.
Because God loves you
and he misses you
and because I love you
and I miss you

Please.